we love you, cleo

this is one of the most difficult things i'll write, but i know that it's necessary for me to put together. for all the things this blog has and has not been over the years, i've realized what it has always been -- an archive of not just our business, but our life. please forgive the rambling, the run-on-sentences, the mish-mash of thoughts.this past weekend, dave and i had to say goodbye to cleo. it was the hardest thing we've ever had to do.last july, we found a small growth on one of her nipples on her stomach. we took her to the vet's, and they confirmed it was a tumor and recommended surgery to remove it. her first surgery was in early august 2014. she was gone for just the day & our home felt so empty without her. she returned that night wearing a cone, which she somehow managed to remove inside her cage sometime on the short car ride home.two more surgeries followed in september & october -- first to remove one chain of mammary glands, the second to remove the other. we moved a mattress into our downstairs office so we could sleep there and keep an eye on her those first few days after each surgery -- we didn't want her trying to wander up the stairs to find us at night. she wore a long sock-like bandage all the way from her front legs to her back legs and looked like a little burrito. we cleared out a spot for her under dave's desk with a bed for her to sleep on, but most nights she would stumble up onto our mattress and we'd all fall asleep together. by the time she healed and her bandages came off we were exhausted and glad to be out of the room, but in retrospect those were some of the happiest days.in the midst of post-surgery check ups it was discovered that the cancer had spread to cleo's lymphatic system. we started seeing an oncologist every other week for chemo treatments, and then soon after switched to trying a growth inhibitor that we gave to her in pill form every other day. this started early this year, and had us going to the vet for a check up once a month. for a while things stayed steady. right from the beginning we knew that if the cancer had spread beyond the initial tumor, chances were pretty slim that any treatment would eradicate it -- the treatments were simply to keep the symptoms at bay for as long as possible.this summer we passed the one year mark. people would ask us how she was doing, and honestly she seemed pretty much like the same old cleo. people would come over & wouldn't know anything was wrong. sure, after her surgeries she was a little bit less able to jump up onto the highest places like she could before and she sat a little bit lopsided at times, but she was still running around chasing her toys & contentedly sitting on our laps while we watched a movie at night. it was just three wednesdays ago at her monthly checkup that all still seemed relatively good and we went home in good spirits.after that checkup on wednesday morning, she slept for the entire rest of the day. for most cats that might be normal, but not with cleo. by thursday evening we were getting worried. i went for a bath before bed and came back into the bedroom to find cleo & dave on the bed, cleo panting through her mouth & breathing heavily & rapidly. dave called the vet, i got dressed, picked her up in my arms, and we drove to the emergency clinic. she had developed something called pleural effusion, where fluid builds up in the linings around the lungs making it difficult for her to get her breath. they were able to drain the areas with a needle and her breathing was able to return to normal. by monday we were back at the vet's with similar symptoms. after a long and tear-filled talk with our vet, it was clear that the cancer was taking its course and things were only going to get worse. we decided to ask that they drain the fluid one last time as best they could, go home, and just enjoy whatever remaining days we had with her until the symptoms again worsened. it wasn't until saturday afternoon, cuddled with her on her favourite green blanket, that i somehow picked her up and carried her nestled in my lap as dave somehow drove to the vet's & we let her go. i still don't know how we did it. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. no amount of preparation matters.cleo came into our life six years ago, as a young cat found roaming around our friend's condo complex. our friend put up signs with her picture, but after a few weeks no one had claimed her. i'm so thankful that somehow it was us she asked if we'd like a cat, and then the next day we were driving her home.home at that time was a one bedroom apartment in a featureless apartment block in kitchener. we had just arrived back in canada from living and working overseas. dave was in a masters program. i was unemployed. we were living on borrowed money. i was grading papers and cat-sitting for professors to make ends meet. i was applying to jobs in a saturated field that i wasn't even sure i wanted to work in anyway. when i look back on it now, we were not in a good place.  she came to us in july, and two months later i had a contract position. dave was accepted into a phd with more funding that fall, and we moved to hamilton. i photographed my first few weddings, and the following year we both shot a full season of weddings together and started our business. after two years we moved to toronto & continued building a life we really loved.we can't help but look back on the past six years with her as truly the happiest in our lives together.i don't know if it's easy to understand if you've never had the companionship & unconditional love of a furry friend. for so long, it's been us three. she helped us get through transitions, helped get us out of bad spots. she was my friend, my therapy, someone who was always there & happy to be interrupted. she would greet us excitedly at the door every time we arrived home, she would sit in my lap while i edited photos, and most nights she would either try to sleep on top of one of us or at the foot of our bed. when we were on trips, we would scroll through the photos on our phones in airports, and made a game out of who had the cutest cleo picture. the 'clack clack clack' of her paws on the hardwood floor. how she loved playing with tissue paper. the drip on her chin after drinking from her bowl. how she usually ran away from the camera. the way she'd jump in our laps and press her nose and cheeks into ours. she was home to us. i still have a hard time believing it's real. i still wait for her little face to pop up at the top of the stairs.thank you for gracing us with your sweetness for your time here on earth little one, and thank you for giving us so much love.we miss you so much sweetheart.