on the fist-fight of loving someone

truth is, we haven't been sure what this space is meant for these days.are blogs still a thing? we ask, while much of how we keep up with people is through other outlets, and much of what we share too. wedding days feel like a natural thing to share here, a more long form way of showing the whole story of a day so that people can see what we're about more easily than a single image could show. otherwise, i've wondered for a while how to continue filling this space with things that are worthwhile or that might bring some meaning for those reading.so we thought we would write about some real things, things people don't often talk about. more of the whole story like i was talking about before.we are married; we photograph weddings for a living. we obviously think loving, long term relationships of all kinds are wonderful things.we have these two friends (married to each other), they have in many ways been mentors of ours, & they have often referred to parts of their journey of marriage to one another as being a 'fist-fight'.that language they used always stood out to me, from day one of knowing these wonderful friends of ours. probably because the term felt a bit violent to me, a bit different than the normal language you come to associate with relationships, weddings, and marriages. language which is usually more flowery, loving, and 'everything is wonderful, always'. it kind of shook me, & i've never forgotten it.but mostly because it refers to that other side that gets lost & glossed over. especially in the world of 'the best day of your life' which is a wedding day.

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over the course of taking photos for couples the times that stand out most to me are those really honest times when we can acknowledge with another pair of human beings who are trying to love each other that it's not always easy. there is a real sense of relief in that. can i just say that again?there is a real sense of relief in that.like the time a couple was honest with us & said they'd just had a meltdown with each other on the car ride over to our meeting, but that these things happen. fights are normal -- a fight wasn't going to break them. or when in an email a couple told us the struggles they'd been through after the infatuation with each other wore off a little in the beginning of their relationship. haven't we all been there?don't we all begin relationships with an 'our love is different than all the rest' 'conquer the world' type attitude? & does the presumption that on the merit of our love alone we will be raised above any kind of hardship (you know, the hardships that might befall all those other, lesser couples, who's love is nothing like ours), does that actually blind us to the small problems until they've grown to gargantuan proportions? and suddenly those gargantuan problems that started out as small things might actually be insurmountable?

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we are approaching nine trips around the sun being married to each other. add another four years of dating before saying our vows. so you better believe we have some fistfights in our history. we have a lot of love & good times too, but make no mistake that none of us are immune to the simple fact that two different humans trying to love each other while navigating this world & themselves is tricky business. i hope we can be more honest about that (i hope we all can).i hope it can shed hope & light and a sense of relief in hearing that it is not all easy. and that you are not a failure if it is not all easy.not to spin marriage or relationships in a negative, it's all an uphill battle type of way. but perhaps in a more measured, balanced way than the 'everything is wonderful, always' way we are used to. let's acknowledge this is hard work but it is worth it & in the end will cause more reason to celebrate getting out of the valleys and enjoying the mountain tops.

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here's to the fist-fight.-- jenn & dave x